Loose Lips

Dear Universe,

I’m privy to information that can’t be retold. Please don’t expect me to share.

A secret is a secret and a good person will keep their word.

If the truth ever becomes known, I bear no responsibility.

Yours truly,

Independently Loving

Evasive Action

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Wait. Stop.

Here you are, you beautiful, bright eyed babes. I applaud you for dreaming big and wanting the world to be your oyster. And, I’m not lying when I say that the world is everyone’s oyster. Most of you will go on to be successful in your careers. You’ll fall in love and create a beautiful family in a wonderful house. Your lives will be rich with all of the important intangible things.

But, let’s be real for a moment. Not everyone is that grain of sand that will produce a smooth, creamy pearl. In fact, many of us aren’t. Ouch. That’s intense…

With that said, I urge you to be the best pearl making grain of sand possible. Try your hardest. You’ll have days that knock you off your feet. There will be moments that make you feel like you’ve conquered Everest. Sadness is inevitable. Happiness is common. Joy is something we all deserve. Laughter is essential.

Let me tell you a story.

When I was young, I was overcome with a depression seemed to have no exit route. My entire high school career could have been much different had I gotten the help I needed. I would have succeeded in my classes, instead of barely scraping by. I would have gotten into more than one college I had applied to. And, I probably would have been far better equipped to handle going off to college.

I was a confused teenager. My only focus was wondering why I was angry and sad, and wanting to be the opposite. This isn’t new. It certainly isn’t unique. Millions of people in the US have experienced similar emotions. Listen to this, approximately 12.5% of adolescents in the US are clinically depressed. That number doesn’t sound big, but that’s one in eight adolescents.* These people have gone weeks, months, even years feeling lost, confused, sad, and hopeless. My situation wasn’t unusual, but like plenty of people experiencing depression, I remained silent out of fear that I would be judged or wouldn’t be taken seriously.

Twenty years and plenty of mistakes and wrong choices later, I have finally figured out what I want to do with my life. Also, I know what I need and deserve. Like every human existing, I deserve to be nurtured, not only by myself, but by my community. Remember, a nurtured person is a caring person.

I am going to be that 38 year old taking undergraduate classes with people like you. I’m proud that I plan on finishing my Bachelor’s degree (some point before I turn 40). My journey has been rocky. It hasn’t been pleasant and it definitely hasn’t been remarkable. The last decade of my life has been an interesting experience, and one that I’d love to take back and redo. But, I am where I am now and I don’t regret anything. As long as I am alive, I strive to keep learning about myself, my community, and the world that I live in. I’m aware of the fact that I won’t be the next Gloria Steinem or Eve Ensler or Hillary Clinton. I’m one of billions on this planet. I might not be a trailblazer or innovator or leader of the free world. But, I can make an impact in my community. More so, feeling good at the end of the day means that I am being the best person I can be.

Some of you might find yourself in the same boat as me. For those of you who are feeling blue, lost, or confused, please know you are not alone. The world is yours. Live in it. Experience it. Know that the hurt can be temporary if you allow yourself to find the help you deserve. Remember that therapy is an amazing tool. Also, finding a group of your peers allows you to build a safety net. Call your friend(s). Tell someone you’re hurting. A true friend will listen and help.

Plenty of you have a plan set out for your lives. I commend you for that.

When I was 18, I had a plan. I wanted to be a stage actress, churning out quirky roles in Off-Broadway indie pieces. That hasn’t happened… Yet. I also wanted to be a writer. I still do, and I am a writer. At 34, my plans have changed. I want to help people. I want to make one person genuinely smile every single day. I plan on giving back to whichever community I am, and that includes all of humanity.

Some of you with plans will stick to those plans, and that is a beautiful thing to do. You are the future of medicine, arts, law, athleticism, and all around world domination. I’m proud of you and wish you great success. And, some of you with other plans, please don’t get discouraged if life throws curveballs your way. Bumps in the road are inevitable. We cannot avoid them, nor should we ignore them the moment the appear. Also, plans change. It is incredibly natural to not have things set in stone. The world we live in and our lives would be very boring if plans didn’t change or get upended.

Take this time in your life and enjoy being young. This is an awful cliche, but you really do have the rest of your lives to live. Relish every moment. Laugh. Love the ones you’re with. Hug someone. Say “thank you” five times a day, even if it’s to yourself for waking up that morning. Wait a minute and think before doing something dangerous. Go slow, unless, of course, you are competing in a sporting event that places a lot of importance on speed. Don’t make a hasty decision, especially if your gut is telling you not to. Listen to your gut; we have instincts for a reason.

We all can be successful in our own right. Remember, money isn’t the only factor in success. A lonely, unhappy billionaire is less successful than a joyful sanitation worker who has a huge circle of loved ones.

Do what you want in your life, as you only have one. Let your actions create positive reactions. Be kind. Smile. Go forth and be the best pearl producing grain of sand you can be.

*Depression Statistics – DBSAlliance

Alma Mater

When Time Stops

It’s been sixteen months since I created this blog. I started it with the intention to document my journey with PCOS. That, unfortunately, didn’t happen. For the last year or so, I have barely taken care of myself and been focused on plenty of things that didn’t directly heal my heart and mind.

Six months after creating this blog, I decided that I would focus on every aspect of healing myself. Instead of just talking about my experience with PCOS, I decided to branch out and discuss my experience with my relationship with food. Well, that didn’t happen. I let this blog lay in wait, gathering dust.

So, sixteen months after setting up this blog, I’ve made an actual, logical decision. I commit this blog to the discussion of my experience with PCOS, my (physical and emotional) relationship with food, my relationship with exercise, and my take on my own mental health.

I plan on making time each week to write one new post. Who knows? I might even write two! Currently, I am reading a lot of daily meditation books, including ‘Beautiful You: A Guide to Radical Self-Acceptance’ – a book that was waiting around for months to be used. This is a book I highly recommend to anyone working on their self esteem. I’ll be sharing some of the activities or questions that I find most poignant.

Disclaimer: I am not a trained and licensed therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, or social worker. All of what I discuss is in regards to my own experience, research, and education. When talking about someone else’s research or experiences, I will respectfully and legally cite them. If I misquote someone or cite incorrectly, please let me know and I will correct my error. Don’t sue me, please! Give me a chance to correct any honest mistakes.

Am I Not Valid? Part 2

As I mentioned in my previous post, twice in a couple months, I have been told that there are parts of me that are not valid or real. I have been trying to process being told this and coping with understanding why someone would say such a thing to another person, especially when both things are absolutely valid and part of my journey.

I was told by someone integral in my life that my job is not real and that I have wasted the past decade of my life in a job that is not valid.

Let me clarify that I do, in fact, work retail. In the last 12 years, I have made many attempts to climb the corporate ladder and work really hard to prove that I am worth promoting. I switched fields in retail a couple times, but landed back at the place I started and have spent the 10 of the last 12 years at the same place. My path at this company has not really evolved, and I do feel very much overlooked. Yes, retail usually isn’t a life changer, nor is it really a suitable career path. However, a job is a job, especially an honest one. I’m not out on the streets selling drugs, nor am I selling my body.

I honestly believe that my job is valid. The fact that I am working and paying taxes means I am a contributing member of society. While my role within the store is not ideal, it is still a job. And, it’s mine. I know that I’m going to be done with retail very soon. I’m a few months away from completing an Associates degree in Paralegal Studies, which will open up some doors. It will allow me the chance to do something more worthwhile. I will feel far more accomplished with the work I can be able to do with this degree.

But, I come back to the job I have now. It’s a job. It’s real. Someone has to do it. That person is me. I am very aware that I am replaceable and an 18 year old can do my job for far less money. The quality of service the 18 year old will provide might not be on the same level as mine, but legally, an 18 year old is allowed to do the same job as me.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about how we all choose to treat each other. This planet is covered with humans. For the most part, we are a good species of animals. Sure, there are a few humans that are less than favorable; that’s a given.

The words we choose to say to each other and the way we choose to say them are so important in life.

Instead of telling someone that something about them isn’t valid and that they have wasted their life, tell them, “I think you can do better than this, and I hope you find the right motivation to change your environment.” That’s direct without discrediting a person.

Instead of telling someone “you’re feelings are uncalled for and invalid, because you don’t know anything about relationships,” tell them “you are allowed to feel the way you do, however I don’t understand your emotions, and I think we are coming from two different places.” That honors the person’s natural instinct to emote, but clarifies the disagreement or misunderstanding in a respectful way.

I’m no psychologist. I’ve only taken a few undergraduate psychology and sociology classes. But, I’ve read books and I’ve experienced other human beings and I’ve had plenty of relationships, big and small. A few months shy of entering my 35th years, I own the fact that there is a lot about life that I still have to learn. I own the fact that I could have done something big with my life years ago. But, we all have our own journeys. We all approach life differently. For some of us, life seems just a little more difficult.

In a few months, I will be done with my Paralegal AA. In the meantime, I am looking for work. I applied for 12 different positions at a gym franchise. I’m popping in, at least, 8 more tomorrow. Sure, some might say that it is no better than a retail job. But, it is an environment I would rather be in. It is still an honest job. And, the fact I get to work out for free is a bonus. There would be no excuse to work out if I worked at a gym. [Here’s a secret: I kind of want to become a certified personal trainer and become a running coach for women. I used to be a competitive runner for 8 years, and would love to give back through running.]

This is wishful thinking, I know. If I do get a job at a gym, I will be happy to work full time there while I finish my degree. That will allow me to save enough money to start making it on my own. All the while, I will continue my search for administrative legal work, and fine tune selling myself well. Trust me, working at a gym will motivate me to exercise regularly. The more I exercise, the happier I will feel, and the more motivated I will be to become a certified personal trainer. If I do become a personal trainer, I can build my own clientele and schedule. I can work that around administrative legal work.

See, I have a plan. I just wish people would be a little more kind and patient with me. Being told that parts of me aren’t valid hurt, especially when I have spent so long believing my worth always was in the hands of others.

Remember, everyone, only we can determine our own worth. It’s no one else’s choice to tell us how valuable we are. We are all fantastic creatures, who deserve all the happiness in the world. We need to start gifting happiness and love to others to remind each other so.

Am I Not Valid? Part 1

In the last couple months, I have been told twice that there is something about me that is not valid.

The first occurrence happened back in November. I was told by a guy that I was dating that because I have never been married and haven’t had three children, I have absolutely no idea about relationships. He told me that what I was feeling wasn’t valid, as I have no basis of what emotions in relationships are. Sure, at 33, I haven’t been married. I haven’t had children. I’ve chosen that path, because that’s what I get to do as a human. I get to navigate my way through life.

At 33, I’ve had plenty of relationships. Hello, my first relationship happened before I came out of my mother. I spent nine and a bit months inside her, developing a biochemical relationship. Growing up, I was a social person. I talked to most people and wanted to be friends with everyone. Throughout the history of my life, I’ve had relationships. It would be impossible not to have relationships, unless I was abandoned in a forest as a child and never experienced other human beings for 33 years.

I’ve been in romantic relationships. Sure, they failed. That is a common occurrence for many people out there in the world. But, I’ve been in romantic relationships. I’ve dealt with the emotions that relationships cultivate. I’ve had to learn how to deal with them. Because of being in relationships that have failed, I consistently learn what I like, need, and desire. I learn how to approach situations. My only problem is that I seem to pick people that aren’t emotionally available, or have a lot of their own emotional discovery to do.

The problem I had in that situation is that this guy has a PhD in psychology. He is a licensed therapist in two states. This is a person who one would assume is a bit more patient and open minded to the emotions of others. Nope. Not this one.

Over the course of two months, I slowly let out information about myself and past relationships. This was after a year of us being aware of each other’s presence on social media. Once the dynamic changed, I was more cautious of what information I revealed to him. Finally, on the fateful night (almost three months after dating), before I was accused of having no valid emotions, I opened up. I told him why I’d rather have an actual conversation over the phone instead of short, choppy messages through Snapchat. I told him why I feel it’s important for people to communicate consistently. I told him my experiences with my own fertility and feelings on having children. I told him how I was treated in past relationships. It was after this he claimed that my feelings aren’t valid, that I have no knowledge of relationships because I’m not a mother, nor have I ever been married.

My response was, “you are absolutely correct. I’ve never been married and I’m not a mother. I just told you that I could have a two and a half year old, but I don’t, because I heavily considered the options. However, you got married really young, cranked out three kids, and divorced after ten years. You also have consistently told me that you don’t know how to date or how to be in a healthy relationship, because you never did either. So, how can you easily tell me that how I feel isn’t valid and that I have no idea what I’m talking about when it comes to relationships?”

I can’t remember what he said, nor do I have any record of it, because, of course, it was all said over Snapchat. It seemed impossible for him to use his phone as it’s actual purpose.

[In the 2.5-ish months of us dating, he only ever called me once and that’s because I told him that Snapchat and Facebook messenger were no way to really connect with another human.]

I do remember him telling me he was annoyed and that he’d talk to me tomorrow. I remember telling him “I’m sorry you’re annoyed” and having no intention talking to him ever again.

A week or so later, I sent him a letter. I was so put off by what he told me, that I had to release the angst inside me. The short letter essentially explained why he hurt me and that he should consider how he approaches new romantic relationships if he wants them to be successful.

How did he respond? He didn’t call me. He didn’t text me.
He wrote me a damn message on Facebook.

He claimed that he really likes me. He claimed that he was really sad to see things transpire the way they did. He, again, tore down my emotions.

In a nutshell, I responded “I’m sorry you feel the way that you feel, and you are absolutely allowed to feel whatever you want. You are human, after all. If you do like me as much as you claim, in six months, you can use your phone as it is meant to be used: you can actually call me and have a real conversation with me. If we are both single and feel that we could come to some sort of an agreement, we can try dating each other again. But, understand that, while I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself, you also have to learn how to date like an adult. If you want to be in a successful relationship, take care of yourself and learn how to love yourself. I’m doing exactly the same in my own life. Be well.”

So, I ask all of you: are our emotions valid?

I truly believe they are. That’s the joy of being a human. We are all unique. We are snowflakes. How we emotionally react to situations vary on who we are in that exact moment.

We all must be mindful and caring. We must choose our words with the best intentions.

Go with love.