Healing

So, we have a situation. My body is out of whack, and I don’t know why. I’ve been piecing together fragments to make sense of this all, but I’m not a practicing licensed medical professional. There is only so much I can determine with the amount of undergraduate education I’ve recieved.

[P​lease note that this post was originally written three weeks ago.]

C​alifornia is up in smoke. This is nothing new. She has been up in smoke since 45 took office. It’s been a year and a half. My body is reacting to all the ash that we cannot escape. I’m having trouble breathing, my throat is constantly irritated, I am always congested, and when I blow my nose, there’s always blood. The thing is, there was blood even before the fires. The wave of ash we got in the Bay Area has just amplified the amount of blood that is coming out.

I​ have delicate tubes connecting my ears, nose, and throat. I always have. As a child, I was prone to murder scene nose bleeds, ear infections, and snot that looked like brain matter (to quote my family). When I was a child, I hated blowing my nose, and it was a battle that almost always ended in tears. There were times my parents had to use tweezers to dislodge dried mucus. Having someone you love come at you with tweezers for something other than hair or splinter removal is traumatic, especially as a four year old.

T​o this day, I still dislike blowing my nose. Honestly, it’s not the act of forcing snot and foreign objects out. I don’t like the sensation of having anything blocking my nasal passages, nor do I like the sensation of itchy nostrils. I mean, who gets joy from having a congested nose? I highly doubt anyone finds that pleasurable.

M​y ear, nose, and throat issues are not the point, though.

T​hrough the years of my life, I’ve learned that I live with polycystic ovary syndrome, major depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and obsessive compulsive disorder. I would like to make it clear that I have a problem with the word disorder, especially when it comes to my diagnoses. I am in no way incapable of being a well functioning part of society. At first glance, none of these are apparent.

W​hile not apparent to the naked eye of a stranger, those diagnoses are there. They are a part of me. And, they were triggered by some biochemical reaction in my body. Science. She is a beautiful thing.

I​ wouldn’t have polycystic ovaries if I wasnt a biological woman who went through the natural process of puberty. I have ovaries that function, even if they aren’t very efficient. Puberty and PCOS triggered a hormonal imbalance which caused my brain to process my moods “abnormally”. With the hormonal imbalance came the depression. With the depression came the anxiety and OCD.

H​aving all of these formally diagnosed by licensed medical professionals and licenced psychologists has helped me understand my body and mind. I’ve gained a wealth of information from them, including self-care and holistic treatments, such as proper nutrition, sleep, and exercise.

L​ately, I’ve been experiencing joint pain that seems abnormal for my life. For two months, the mornings have been dreadful. The knuckles in my right hand feel like they have been smashed, and my left wrist feels like it did when I fractured it 25 years ago. Both of my shoulders feel extremely tender. My hips have been in immeasurable pain, and my ankles swell, even if they’ve been elevated. I get fatigued quicker than usual, and my mood has a harder time to shake.

O​f course, I went to the internet. That’s what we do in 2018. The first thing that popped up was lupus. Immediately, I convinced myself that I had lupus. That rash across the nose and cheeks? It seems similar to the redness that is constantly present. The pain that is its worst in the morning upon waking? Yes, that’s me. Am I constantly tired and do I feel emotionally low? Of course. Am I sensitive to light? Yes, I hate bright light.

T​he internet has made us all hypochondriacs. After a few sessions with my therapist, she helped me down from my lupus ledge I had found myself on. She asked me if anything else came up during my search. I said, “yes, there was one thing that actually makes a lot more sense: rheumatoid arthritis.” As I described my findings, we combined our knowledge (and she has a lot more than me), and agreed that RA is far more plausible than lupus.

T​his was in September. It’s now November. I have yet to see a doctor, and that was because I didn’t have health insurance. I’m insured now, so it’d be wise to get my body checked out, right?

The fatigue is getting worse. While the joint pain might not be as severe as it was a couple weeks ago, it is still there. There is something happening with my body aside from the ash inhilation and wacky, mood altering hormones. My body is unhappy with itself, and I’d like to be just a bit more comfortable every day. I’d like to be able to have a 13 hour day and have the energy to clean the kitchen when I come home. I would rather not slowly hobble up the short flight of stairs to my apartment and fall right into bed in the clothes I’ve worn all day. I’d like to, at the very least, drink a glass of water and eat an apple or a cucumber before falling into bed, but I don’t have the energy or painless range of movement to pour a glass of water or simple chopping of a cucumber. The feat of doing both seems too mighty. Neither of those are difficult, and an able bodied 36 year old should not have trouble doing either.

S​o, to a doctor it is. Blood needs to be drawn and looked at. All the normal things they check should be checked, and they should look at other things not normally ordered. I’d like an explanation as to why my body seems to hate me right now. Our bodies are intuative. They tell us when there is something not quite right. Scientists have come up with ways of looking at what is inside us for answers. The sooner I get answers, the sooner I can heal myself.

W​hen we take care of ourselves, we can take care of the world around us.

Change is Inevitable

Here I am, still unemployed. I am also very hormonal, or so it seems.

My weight seems to drastically fluctuate daily, and even something low calorie, like cucumber or spinach makes me extremely bloated and uncomfortable. This is always a sign that my flow is about to start. But, I’m 36 and have never had a naturally regular cycle. So, this could just be my body rejecting change.

Whatever the case, I had two phone interviews yesterday, both of which seemed promising. One lead to an actual onsite interview (and was told I needed to ensure I had two free hours to do so). This morning, I let someone know that I would like to rent the room she has available. It’s the most expensive room I looked at, but it’s a nice room with a large private bathroom.

Here’s a secret: I am a bathroom fanatic. I love large bathrooms that are light and welcoming. The larger, the better. And, a bathtub is essential.

When I was a teenager, my parents let me have the master bedroom. This meant I had a private entrance to the house, as well as my own private bathroom. High school was great, because I got to sneak out whenever I wanted. I could take a shower when I crept back in at 4:30am to wash the night’s fun off. But, there wasn’t a bathtub.

I am absolutely excited for the bathroom that will be all mine. The bathtub is perfect! As soon as I am all moved in and settled, I’m going to light a few candles and toss some essential oils and salts in, and luxuriate in this new journey I am embarking on.

The next couple weeks are going to be jam packed with packing, storing, interviewing, exercise, mindfulness, eating well, and moving.

I do still have my GoFundMe active, as well as an active Patreon page! Please visit both. Any donations are greatly appreciated. Please know that I will keep all donors updated on my progress with moving and job hunting, as well as any exciting events in my life!

Letting Go

Yesterday, something happened to me for the first time in my life. It is something that I was slightly expecting, but didn’t want to happen. The law of attraction was working its magic, as much as I hate to admit that.

The last year and a half has been strange. I have learned a lot about myself, and I know that the last 18 months have presented a whole slew of facts and truths that I am only now starting to fully grasp.

In the 20 years of my employment history, I was let go. I was let go from a job that served my life in many ways, both positively and negatively.

Don’t worry, I’ll be okay. I’ll bounce back.

But, this is a huge shock to my system, and I don’t quite know how to move forward. Fortunately, I have an incredibly part time job at a yoga studio lined up, so I am not completely at a loss. I also have been sending my resume and Linkedin profile out like mad. I am doing what I can to move forward.

To be completely frank, I’m freaking out. The panic is all internal, which isn’t the most healthy. I need to talk this out with someone. I need to process. A lot of the panic stems from the fact I am seeing a therapist, and that service was covered by the company I worked for. I also had health insurance, which kept my anti-depressant cost at $5 a month. The temporary lack of income is a cause of panic, but the lack health insurance coverage is the aspect that is really freaking me out. This is a vicious cycle. I suffer from constant anxiety, which is lessened by regular talk therapy and anti-depressant therapy. Not being able to afford the two things that help my mental health is detrimental to my mental health. And, here I am, feeling myself getting caught up in the panic fog.

I have ways of getting myself out of this. I know exactly what I need to do. One of them is reminding myself that I am actually employable. I need to use this knowledge and spend some quality time today (well every day) looking at jobs and being ruthless.

Another thing I need to do is get outside and move. This is a free way to ensure that I’m taking care of my body and mind. I can fill my ears with podcasts, whether they are comedy based or news based. This will be a time for me to clear my mind, and either laugh or learn (both, maybe). One of the perks of getting the job at the yoga studio is unlimited yoga is accessible for employees. Another way to take care of myself! As I spend time practicing yoga, I can work towards my goal of doing Yoga Teacher Training, a skill I want to have in my wheelhouse.

Last, I need to ensure I am doing creative things. This could be writing, drawing, coloring, knitting, or taking photographs. I want to knit a whole slew of headbands/ear warmers and set up an Etsy store. This is a way to bring in a few extra dollars.

Today, right now, the best I can do is keep my head up. As soon as I hit publish, I am going to hop over to some job sites and send my resume out.

You, dear readers, can do me a solid. I have a Patreon page that is active. I have a few reward levels, but I don’t expect anyone to splurge on me. I would, however, really appreciate it if anyone can spare a few dollars a month to help me put gas in my car and set up an Etsy storefront. If you can spare $5 a month for two or three months, that would be amazing and I will be eternally grateful!

Today is a new day and the beginning of a new journey. I’m scared. I’m nervous. And, the fire is lit under my ass.