Change is Inevitable

Here I am, still unemployed. I am also very hormonal, or so it seems.

My weight seems to drastically fluctuate daily, and even something low calorie, like cucumber or spinach makes me extremely bloated and uncomfortable. This is always a sign that my flow is about to start. But, I’m 36 and have never had a naturally regular cycle. So, this could just be my body rejecting change.

Whatever the case, I had two phone interviews yesterday, both of which seemed promising. One lead to an actual onsite interview (and was told I needed to ensure I had two free hours to do so). This morning, I let someone know that I would like to rent the room she has available. It’s the most expensive room I looked at, but it’s a nice room with a large private bathroom.

Here’s a secret: I am a bathroom fanatic. I love large bathrooms that are light and welcoming. The larger, the better. And, a bathtub is essential.

When I was a teenager, my parents let me have the master bedroom. This meant I had a private entrance to the house, as well as my own private bathroom. High school was great, because I got to sneak out whenever I wanted. I could take a shower when I crept back in at 4:30am to wash the night’s fun off. But, there wasn’t a bathtub.

I am absolutely excited for the bathroom that will be all mine. The bathtub is perfect! As soon as I am all moved in and settled, I’m going to light a few candles and toss some essential oils and salts in, and luxuriate in this new journey I am embarking on.

The next couple weeks are going to be jam packed with packing, storing, interviewing, exercise, mindfulness, eating well, and moving.

I do still have my GoFundMe active, as well as an active Patreon page! Please visit both. Any donations are greatly appreciated. Please know that I will keep all donors updated on my progress with moving and job hunting, as well as any exciting events in my life!

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Letting Go

Yesterday, something happened to me for the first time in my life. It is something that I was slightly expecting, but didn’t want to happen. The law of attraction was working its magic, as much as I hate to admit that.

The last year and a half has been strange. I have learned a lot about myself, and I know that the last 18 months have presented a whole slew of facts and truths that I am only now starting to fully grasp.

In the 20 years of my employment history, I was let go. I was let go from a job that served my life in many ways, both positively and negatively.

Don’t worry, I’ll be okay. I’ll bounce back.

But, this is a huge shock to my system, and I don’t quite know how to move forward. Fortunately, I have an incredibly part time job at a yoga studio lined up, so I am not completely at a loss. I also have been sending my resume and Linkedin profile out like mad. I am doing what I can to move forward.

To be completely frank, I’m freaking out. The panic is all internal, which isn’t the most healthy. I need to talk this out with someone. I need to process. A lot of the panic stems from the fact I am seeing a therapist, and that service was covered by the company I worked for. I also had health insurance, which kept my anti-depressant cost at $5 a month. The temporary lack of income is a cause of panic, but the lack health insurance coverage is the aspect that is really freaking me out. This is a vicious cycle. I suffer from constant anxiety, which is lessened by regular talk therapy and anti-depressant therapy. Not being able to afford the two things that help my mental health is detrimental to my mental health. And, here I am, feeling myself getting caught up in the panic fog.

I have ways of getting myself out of this. I know exactly what I need to do. One of them is reminding myself that I am actually employable. I need to use this knowledge and spend some quality time today (well every day) looking at jobs and being ruthless.

Another thing I need to do is get outside and move. This is a free way to ensure that I’m taking care of my body and mind. I can fill my ears with podcasts, whether they are comedy based or news based. This will be a time for me to clear my mind, and either laugh or learn (both, maybe). One of the perks of getting the job at the yoga studio is unlimited yoga is accessible for employees. Another way to take care of myself! As I spend time practicing yoga, I can work towards my goal of doing Yoga Teacher Training, a skill I want to have in my wheelhouse.

Last, I need to ensure I am doing creative things. This could be writing, drawing, coloring, knitting, or taking photographs. I want to knit a whole slew of headbands/ear warmers and set up an Etsy store. This is a way to bring in a few extra dollars.

Today, right now, the best I can do is keep my head up. As soon as I hit publish, I am going to hop over to some job sites and send my resume out.

You, dear readers, can do me a solid. I have a Patreon page that is active. I have a few reward levels, but I don’t expect anyone to splurge on me. I would, however, really appreciate it if anyone can spare a few dollars a month to help me put gas in my car and set up an Etsy storefront. If you can spare $5 a month for two or three months, that would be amazing and I will be eternally grateful!

Today is a new day and the beginning of a new journey. I’m scared. I’m nervous. And, the fire is lit under my ass.

Undetermined Life

The last couple of weeks have seen me getting off my tush and moving. On Sunday and yesterday, I actually made myself run. Once was in the rain that California so desperately needs, and the other was on a treadmill. I love running in the rain; always have. There is something magically cleansing about running in the rain.

But, running is not the point of this post.

Today, on my walk around our neighborhood, I found my mind wandering on what I’ve done with my life so far, and where I want it to go. Ten years ago, I wanted to be married with three kids, a dog, two cats, and a five bedroom house in Woodside or Portola Valley by this time.

Clearly that hasn’t happened.

Coming up on 34, I still want to get married. Three kids, though? Sure, three kids would be nice, but that means I’d have to get married yesterday and be well on the way to having $750k saved up. I want kids. Two is still doable, and I am happy to adopt. In fact, I’d rather adopt. But the five bedroom in Woodside or Portola Valley? Nope. A five bedroom house, period? Nope. I’ve learned as I age that, while luxurious and impressive, large houses on huge properties aren’t essential in live. Space is space and a house is a house. Home came be anywhere and space isn’t the only important factor.

Walking past newly renovated houses, sprinkled with a few houses that haven’t changed in sixty years, I really started to consider what kind of living space I could see myself in. For the time being, I am happy with a decent studio or loft space, or even a small one bedroom apartment. For now, it’s just me. And, I don’t need heaps of space in order to create my own home. If and when I fall in love and decide to co-habitate, I’ll need my own bedroom. That’s non-negotiable. Even if it’s an office that I can convert into a sleeping area, I’ll be happy. I’m one of those people that sleeps better alone.

All of these adorable and fresh houses are charming, and I’d love to live in one like them. That is definitely possible if I leave California. I used to think I could never leave the Bay Area. Now, I want to run far away from the Bay Area (even California) as fast as possible.

Oregon is calling my name. Washington state might even be able to lure me back. There is also a strong pull to the East Coast. I’d love, very much, to get away from the overly-PC liberal bubble of the West Coast. Sure, if I move back East, I might find myself in the minority and in a community that holds more┬ámoderate or conservative views than I. The thing is, I’m fairly good at keeping my two cents to myself. Unless I feel that a life (mine included) is in immediate danger, I tend to keep my two cents to myself.

In my research, Minnesota seems to always be the favorite for women’s overall wellbeing (health, economic, social, and safety).* Do I want to live in Minnesota though? No! Snowy winters are not good for my mental health. The cost of living is, but my mental health is important. Hawaii ranks in the top 20-25% quite often, but the affordability and cost of living isn’t quite the same. I keep getting pulled towards Boston, though. Sure, the winters are cold. But, New York is pretty accessible from Boston. There is a specific mindset in Boston that I have been told I’d do well with. [I get along very well with hardworking, blue collar people. I also can be direct, in a kind, Irish way.] Who knows? That might just be where I end up. Summer weekend trip to Boston this year? Yes please!

Ultimately, the dream is to live in Europe. But, that’s not going to happen in the foreseeable future. I think it’ll help if I find a partner first, and make sure they are on board with that. If we both can be our own bosses, that’ll benefit the dream in a major way.

Anyway, it’s time for me to get on with my life. It’s time I find a place to live, a job to sustain me, and someone to share my time and love with. It’s March already. No time for to waste!!

*https://wallethub.com/edu/best-and-worst-states-for-women/10728/